Defeated.

I know I know,
I haven't blogged in a while.
I will be back to blogging soon,
I've been storing up pictures and all that.
Happy moments. I promise.

But for today, I just really have to express myself
through very simple words in my blog.
Because well, I ain't no poet.

Someone once told me in a letter,
"You can never taste victory before you taste defeat"
I've constantly held onto that quote.
Hoping someday.
That all this struggling would be worth it.

So far, honestly, it isn't.
I've been through ups and downs.
In and out of depression,
But now I'm in this place where
I'm just hovering.
It's not depression,
but I have the thought of killing myself.
At least once every day.
I'm probably just not there yet.
And I hope I never have to go there again.

Being alone this entire time,
just fighting everything.
Trying to be the best that I can.
I'm exhausted.
I'm tired.
I'm defeated.

But I guess that's how life is.
I just wish,
that maybe.
Somehow life would get better.
But it just seems to get worse.
And worse.
And worse.

The people I trust, have changed so much
The people that I thought had my back, walked away

I'm sorry this is such a sad post.
But I'm really demoralised at the moment
And honestly all I want is a hug.
And for someone to tell me that I mean something.
Anything.
To tell me not to give up
and to keep fighting.

Because honestly,
I've resigned to the fact that.
Maybe I'm just never meant to be victorious.

On the plus side, I managed to be convinced to join a singing competition.
I don't even expect to get past to the semi-finals.
All I want is just to perform once,
and to gain confidence.
And then my life would be complete.
Then maybe I'd die without any regrets.
And finally leave everyone alone.

Sinking.

Imagine.

Everyone is in quicksand.

Slowly sinking in.

Some people help others, 

to ensure that they don't get swallowed up.

To at least ensure that they are gonna be all right for a period of time.

they know that every single person is slowly sinking,

and that they need to be pulled up. 

Some people watch others,

they watch other people helplessly sink into the quicksand,

and they do not lift a finger to help, 

because they are busy worrying about how they are sinking, too. 

She helped, and helped, and helped.

One person after the other,

then back to the first person again.

Little did she notice, she was slowly being submerged into the quicksand.

People around her saw, yet all they could think of was how 

she should be helping them get up.

Quicksand, piling up.

Up to her neck,

Her chin,

Her cupid's bow,

Her nose bridge,

Her eyes,

Her forehead.

By the time she realised how much trouble she's in,

it was too late.

They watched.

She sank.

She's gone.

Light of the world.

Heyhey!

Sorry for my super .. erm..
I don't even know what is the word to describe it
Real? Emo? Weirdly poetic?
I don't know, but you get the point.
My sincere apologies for that post.
I was just really feeling under the weather.
But honestly I'm hella impressed at how
I was able to switch to happy mode so easily.
Well. I'm that fake I guess?
I don't know.
And honestly I don't wanna know.

So,
MOVING ON TO TODAY :D
Pastor Jon's birthday surprise was a huge success.
He had no clue at all!
And many people liked the video, so.. That's a plus :D

So after youth we had the "Be the light"
Walk.
Which is actually Fairprice's Walk for rice.
As a church we covered 3250km :D
Which is 8125 bowls of brown/white rice
Donated to the less fortunate :D
So originally I was just supposed to be a walker.
Then I was assigned to Road Marshal
Then finally, Media team
It was actually really fun running up and down like crazy
with Ming Jie.
Even though it was extremely tiring.
But hey , CARDIOOOOO :D

So here are some pictures from the Be the Light walk

So originally MingJie and I were given red shirts

[ I WANTED A BLUE ONE >:( COZ CHELSEA]

And I was wearing a XS, which was too big for me.

Not super big, but if there's xxs then why not right?

So after that we got to change to the blue ones,

Size XXS . I was so happy :P 

So after changing we were given the cameras,

EOS 5D , along with a light that is super bright,

and a new tripod.

You have no idea how excited MJ and I were

because we "got new toys" for the media team

Me holding the tripod and carrying the bag that contained

our camera equipment. DO I LOOK LIKE I'M ABOUT TO GO HIKING ?

And this is why I stay behind the camera.

Look at how much ugleh there is in this picture

HEHEHE MJ is such a sweetie to take these pictures

NEW WHATSAPP DP :P 

The camera looks hella big though

Actually it is, so meh. HAHAHA

Okay that's all for today's post! :D

Till the next time I ain't that lazy to post, 

THANKS FOR READING

Bunny x 

[no picture coz so many of them up there already]

alis volat propriis 

Confessions.

HEYHEY.
So before I begin on anything else,
Here's day 30 of the blogging challenge (:

Day 30: Your hopes for your blog.

Honestly I don't think I'll ever make it big or have many readers
So I don't really expect much from my blog.
It's actually just a place for me to write out whatever happens in my life
And to be transparent and type things that I'm waaay to timid to say in real life
Or maybe it's just because I'm mega egoistic. I don't know.

Okay so yay I completed the blogging challenge.

And if you're in a good mood, stop reading HERE.
Because this is about to get really depressing
Well, at least for me.

I've always said "I don't do cliques".
People ask me why, and my answer has always been "I like being alone and independent"/

Well. I guess I'm pretty hypocritical as well then.

Here goes.

There was once a girl who had a happy life.
It wasn't perfect, but she was happy.

Until one day, at the young age of 12,
she was diagnosed with depression.
All she thought of all day was wanting to kill herself.
Constantly blaming herself for whatever was going wrong around her
[that's another story on its own that I don't think will be shared, sorry]

At the age of 14, she got out of her first depression.
All by herself, her parents didn't have a single clue on what she was facing.

But because of that, she never saw herself as of equal level
to the people around her.
She'd make friends… but,
she knew she didn't belong.
She was beneath that.

She couldn't be her true self around people.
She tried to be happy, she really did.
She constantly tried to blend in.
And then after several several tries,
she knew she couldn't.
She's beneath that.

Four years down,
She's learned to be alone.
To appreciate the silence of her phone.
Never vibrating, her planner always empty
She filled her life with work.
It drowned out everything.
All the feelings, the thoughts.
She didn't have time for them,
She just needed to work.
And work.
And work.
Sure she made loads of friends,
but…
She knows…
She's beneath that.

Deep deep down,
She knows that she wishes
that someday,
she'd belong.

But such fantasies.
They're called fantasies for a reason, aren't they?
They don't come true.

Now every single day.
She wakes up,
checks her phone,
even though she knows there will be no notifications
meant for her.
Hoping someday.
Just someday.
She'd be not so far beneath that.

But then again,
She doesn't deserve good friends.
She's never done anything good.
All she does is cry.
And wallow in self pity.
Every single day.


She's beneath that.

Blogging Challenge: Day 24,25,26,27,28,29

HAHAHA I know I've failed this challenge badly.
but hey at least I answered all the questions.
Reasons for not blogging lately is fatigue.
I know I know, being tired isn't exactly a really good excuse.
But every day when I get home I really just wanna plop on the bed
And just fall asleep.
So I've been taking more days off to rest.
And I literally just sleep and sleep.
And wake up to eat, of course.
Food is so important, HAHAHAHA :P

**WARNING: This will be a pretty long post too. Not as bad as the other one though

Anyways, imma just start off the post with the
Blogging challenges

Day 24: What attracts you (in love)
Hmm
I actually consider a lot lot lot of factors.
- Works out [because I need someone to motivate me]
- Humorous
- Sensitive, because I'm super easily hurt. HAHAHA
- Caring
- Believes in God

A lot of other factors actually, but…
These are the main few. :P

Moving on!

Day 25: Your biggest regret
I was supposed to join Mediacorp when I was a kid.
I rejected.
HAHAHHA WHY

And many more. Like, past crushes, not being myself, etc

Another big regret is not going for the advanced diving trip to Redang ):

Day 26: Your hidden talent
I legit think I'm not very talented. HAHAHA.
But I guess one of my talents is singing,
not as though that's a talent ><
But yeah if you wanna hear it I've posted it up before on another post
You may now laugh at me. 

OOOHH I SUDDENLY THOUGHT OF ONE

Not exactly a talent, but still.

I have super accurate 6th sense.

My intuition is right 90% of the time.

And I can predict a lot of things before they actually happen

HAHAHA Okay that's all.

Day 27: What's in your closet

CLOTHES??!?!!?!?

And bags.

That's pretty much it.

Like honestly what were you expecting?

That I hide another pet inside or something?:P

Nah I'd hide the pet under my blanket teeehee

Day 28: Most embarrassing moment

HMMM. I have embarrassing moments everyday.

But I guess it's when I was a kid and I fell into the toilet bowl

After thinking that I was a "big girl" and didn't need the extra potty thingy

Or whatever you call it that you place on top of the toilet bowl and you sit on it

So you don't fall into the hole HAHAA 

Day 29: A confession

I wish someday someone would see me as important.

OKAY tomorrow will be the last day of my blogging challenge

HOOORAY :P 

So I may now go back into my burrow and be inactive again

Teehee just kidding

I'll still try to blog as often as I can when there's something interesting to blog about.

Which.. is rarely coz I have an extremely boring life.

So what have I been up to these few days?

Well, Sunday as per normal I went to church..

Then I went to work at the cafe.

Was late for an hour because they called a last minute leaders meeting ):

My EC was working though TEEEHEE

Happy me is happy.

But he left at 7 ):

Boohoo.

Monday.. What did I do on Monday?

I have absolutely no idea.

HAHAHAHA

I think I slept in.

Then went running in the evening.

It felt super good (:

After running I met MingZe for dinner.

We found out that Kungfu Paradise closed down

and that poor boy is super sad about it

Because the food there is actually really good.

Yeah so in the end we went to swensens. AHHAHA 

Running went down the drain just like that.

But hey it was worth it.

Worst thing you could do to yourself is to deprive yourself of food

If God has given you the financial ability to be able to purchase a good meal

And eat to your tummy and heart's content.

So anyways,

here's the pictures of my food

Can I just say, Swensens has the best cheesesticks ever.

If you know any place that sells really good cheesesticks please let me know

I loooove cheesesticks. HAHAHAH

And here's my Mac n Cheese WOOOHOOO

So after dinner we went to get smoothies coz it was

$5 monday YAYYERZ 

I got Gladiator - Strawberry Blueberry.

Was thinking between that or Banana n Berry, 

which is my absolute FAVOURITE from Smoothie King

The smoothie tasted hella disappointing.

It legit tastes like those medicine you took as a kid.

I was very sad about that ):

Anyways moving on to Tuesday, I worked at USS. Nothing special there I guess.

Wednesday

Hoho Wednesday is a pretty interesting day.

I went for work in USS

And honestly I've always thought that the RWS people were the nicest people ever

But apparently on Wednesday I found one person that I didn't like.

Super unfriendly, super quick to put the blame on the 'new one' 

Oh well, at least everyone else in RWS are pretty much angels.

So after work,

I WENT FOR HALLOWEEN HORROR NIGHTS 4 TEAM PREVIEW

Omg yes I went. 

I was super duper reluctant to go trust me.

Sherm managed to make me get a wristband and go for the event.

HAHAHA why.

So anyways it was ABSOLUTELY AMAZING

No regrets, really. I had a blast.

Though I couldn't go into the haunted houses because

I dropped my balls into the toilet bowl as a kid and flushed them away,

but the scare zones were good enough for me

Some of them really look very creepy.

Then there are the shows.

My goodness.

If you get to go for HHN 4,

You MUST NOT miss the shows.

The one at New York, 'Demoncracy'

Is really good. Very short but very very interesting.

And the one at pantages, "Jack's Nightmare Circus"

That is hella interesting too.

You HAVE to go for them, really.

And for those brave souls,

Do go for Jing's Revenge, Mati Camp

And last but not least, Jack's 3Dimentia (?)

I don't know if I got the name right.

But hey, you'll recognise it if you go.

It's really trippy tho.

Loads of lights and mirrors and stuff.

So if you're epileptic, I'm sorry ):

The girls who make my job so much more fun. 

Oh what would I do without them.

Sherm your tongue maintain pls

Then we went over to Sherm's to have a sleepover!

Hoooray!

Jolene was talking about how "she could stay up if she wanted to"

Well guess who K.O-ed first ;)

HEHEHEHEHE

The rest of us stayed up till about 7am

Then we slept.

I woke at 9, the rest still sleeping

And watched the latest season of Survivor.

My goodness . I love Survivor

I really do.

Anyways after that we watched a few more movies

And ordered in pizza.

And left Sherm's place at 5.

The instance I reached home, I crashed straightaway

Friday! Today I spent the day at home, editing vids.

I actually really enjoy editing videos, I just need the motivation to start my editing

HAHAHA Okay that's all for today's post.

Sorry I didn't blog for 6 days.

Also, please do entertain me on my askfm! :D 

Thanks for reading, 

Bunny x 

Heyhey throwback to 3 years ago.

I wanna be tan again :P

alis volat propriis