Confessions.

HEYHEY.
So before I begin on anything else,
Here's day 30 of the blogging challenge (:

Day 30: Your hopes for your blog.

Honestly I don't think I'll ever make it big or have many readers
So I don't really expect much from my blog.
It's actually just a place for me to write out whatever happens in my life
And to be transparent and type things that I'm waaay to timid to say in real life
Or maybe it's just because I'm mega egoistic. I don't know.

Okay so yay I completed the blogging challenge.

And if you're in a good mood, stop reading HERE.
Because this is about to get really depressing
Well, at least for me.

I've always said "I don't do cliques".
People ask me why, and my answer has always been "I like being alone and independent"/

Well. I guess I'm pretty hypocritical as well then.

Here goes.

There was once a girl who had a happy life.
It wasn't perfect, but she was happy.

Until one day, at the young age of 12,
she was diagnosed with depression.
All she thought of all day was wanting to kill herself.
Constantly blaming herself for whatever was going wrong around her
[that's another story on its own that I don't think will be shared, sorry]

At the age of 14, she got out of her first depression.
All by herself, her parents didn't have a single clue on what she was facing.

But because of that, she never saw herself as of equal level
to the people around her.
She'd make friends… but,
she knew she didn't belong.
She was beneath that.

She couldn't be her true self around people.
She tried to be happy, she really did.
She constantly tried to blend in.
And then after several several tries,
she knew she couldn't.
She's beneath that.

Four years down,
She's learned to be alone.
To appreciate the silence of her phone.
Never vibrating, her planner always empty
She filled her life with work.
It drowned out everything.
All the feelings, the thoughts.
She didn't have time for them,
She just needed to work.
And work.
And work.
Sure she made loads of friends,
but…
She knows…
She's beneath that.

Deep deep down,
She knows that she wishes
that someday,
she'd belong.

But such fantasies.
They're called fantasies for a reason, aren't they?
They don't come true.

Now every single day.
She wakes up,
checks her phone,
even though she knows there will be no notifications
meant for her.
Hoping someday.
Just someday.
She'd be not so far beneath that.

But then again,
She doesn't deserve good friends.
She's never done anything good.
All she does is cry.
And wallow in self pity.
Every single day.


She's beneath that.