Sign around my neck

Hi.

I'm back, which means there isn't good news.
Hahaha.

I'm sorry I really just need somewhere to just vent all my emotions.
Because crying and screaming into my pillow hasn't been helping all that much.

Simple question here.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says
Please hurt me, and then hurt me some more?

Because that is really how it feels right now.
I've been coping the past few days.
This heartbreak is... pretty bad.
I've been to dance class every day from Tuesday to Saturday.
And I ran today. Just to distract myself.
[and also to prepare for auditions yay]

My body is exhausted.
I can't even hold a lunge anymore because it's so damn painful.

But so far it's been helping me to cope.
Somehow.

Then, comes the bomb.
Boom. a picture on Instagram.
I don't know how to react to it.
And the sad thing is.
I didn't think.
I just saw the picture.
And in that very moment,
It just felt like all the little pieces of my heart that I've been glueing back together slowly,
got stomped on. Once again.

I feel like from a distance,
someone used a sniper, threw a spear, threw a grenade or somehow just managed to shoot a blowdart.
And killed whatever little hope there is left in me.

I know. Don't think too much right?
Everyone has been telling me that.
But.
Don't I have a right to be sensitive about this?
The wound is fairly new.
And FFS there are people commenting on the photo.
It's not even me who's thinking about it
Because I didn't think that much.
I just saw the picture and I broke down.

He posted the picture,
read the comments,
knew deep down somehow that I would be affected.
Yet was okay with it.

He once promised he'd never hurt me intentionally.
I guess 'never' only lasted while we did.

I really don't know what to do.
I felt like I'm in this battle all alone.
Against him and his friends who trash talk me,
against my demons inside who are slowly winning.

I'm really thankful for the people who have stood by me.
Who have stopped me from doing stupid things.
Who have made time for me.
I'm not as alone as I think I am.

But that doesn't mean I'm going to win.

Growing up.

Hello internet.

I know I know according to my previous posts,
I'm supposed to be dead or dying or lying in a pool of my tears somewhere.
But I'm not. Whether you think that's a good thing or not is for you to decide.
SO.

Quite a bit has happened over the past... few months.
But today I just wanted to write about something - growing up.

When we were 6, we couldn't wait to turn 13.
We couldn't wait to be called a teenager.
When we were 13, we couldn't wait to turn 16.
Because in the western world, 16 is a celebrated age.
When we were 16, we couldn't wait to turn 18.
M18 movies, driving licenses, actually being taken seriously.

I'm turning 20 this year. I know it isn't much.
But even at this point of time, I don't want to age anymore.
And here's why.

I'm graduating from poly this year.
And when you're graduating from tertiary education,
you actually have to make decisions that matter.

There are so so so many questions that people will ask you, and you will ask yourself.
And sometimes, you just don't have an answer for these questions.

Are you going to uni?
Which uni do you want to go to?
What are you going to study?

Uni is EXPENSIVE,
honestly getting a diploma isn't much.
Up till this point, you can still afford to switch your 'profession', your field of study.
I'm not saying you can't once you get your degree,
but it means that you'll have to start from ground 0 [or 1, depending on how different your new field is] from like, level 4
And like I've already mentioned - uni is EXPENSIVE.

The truth is, I DON'T KNOW what I want to study.
Currently I'm just shrugging and answering 'I guess I'll study media'
But that's just to get them off my back.
Imagine if I said 'I wanna study engineering'
The next question would be 'THEN Y U TAKE DIPLOMA IN MEDIA'
*Just an example, I don't actually want to do engineering.

But for me, I've already decided that I'm not going to jump straight into uni until I know what I really want to study. I don't have that kind of money to go to uni twice or more if I decide to switch field.

Moving on

I have two options -
Continue as an account executive in the advertising industry, or pursue my passion of performing.

For most people, the answer is simple
"PURSUE YOUR PASSION LAH, YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TIME TO DO IT IN THE FUTURE"

This is the problem.

I have 2 offers as an account executive.
The pay is pretty decent, and it can DEFINITELY help when I finally decide to go to university.

I have 0 offers as a performer.
There are 2 auditions up and coming, but who knows if I will pass them?
I mean, I'm definitely not the best dancer around.
I'm learning still, but I'm probably competing with people who are really good already.
To make matters worse,
I actually have to push back my flight to Bangkok for my grad trip and pay extra because of the flight switch.
My trip gets cut short, I have lesser money to spend.
Just so that I can make it for one of the auditions.
And I can't help but wonder
WHAT IF I DON'T GET IN?
I would totally regret pushing my flight back...

I really want to go ahead and pursue my passion.
But there's so much sacrifice and buts and ifs involved.
It's such a scary thing.

I'm currently really lost on what I want to do, on what I should do.
So if you're reading this,
Do let me know your opinion.
Text me, comment, put it on my ask.fm anonymously.
It really would help.

Till next time that I have something to get off my chest
Bunz x