Sign around my neck

Hi.

I'm back, which means there isn't good news.
Hahaha.

I'm sorry I really just need somewhere to just vent all my emotions.
Because crying and screaming into my pillow hasn't been helping all that much.

Simple question here.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says
Please hurt me, and then hurt me some more?

Because that is really how it feels right now.
I've been coping the past few days.
This heartbreak is... pretty bad.
I've been to dance class every day from Tuesday to Saturday.
And I ran today. Just to distract myself.
[and also to prepare for auditions yay]

My body is exhausted.
I can't even hold a lunge anymore because it's so damn painful.

But so far it's been helping me to cope.
Somehow.

Then, comes the bomb.
Boom. a picture on Instagram.
I don't know how to react to it.
And the sad thing is.
I didn't think.
I just saw the picture.
And in that very moment,
It just felt like all the little pieces of my heart that I've been glueing back together slowly,
got stomped on. Once again.

I feel like from a distance,
someone used a sniper, threw a spear, threw a grenade or somehow just managed to shoot a blowdart.
And killed whatever little hope there is left in me.

I know. Don't think too much right?
Everyone has been telling me that.
But.
Don't I have a right to be sensitive about this?
The wound is fairly new.
And FFS there are people commenting on the photo.
It's not even me who's thinking about it
Because I didn't think that much.
I just saw the picture and I broke down.

He posted the picture,
read the comments,
knew deep down somehow that I would be affected.
Yet was okay with it.

He once promised he'd never hurt me intentionally.
I guess 'never' only lasted while we did.

I really don't know what to do.
I felt like I'm in this battle all alone.
Against him and his friends who trash talk me,
against my demons inside who are slowly winning.

I'm really thankful for the people who have stood by me.
Who have stopped me from doing stupid things.
Who have made time for me.
I'm not as alone as I think I am.

But that doesn't mean I'm going to win.