Help.

I want to tell myself to put the blade down.
But I can't.

I'd take any kind of physical pain in exchange of the removal of all my feelings.

Dysphoria

This is another not very happy post.
So any hate, goes here











I don't know what to do anymore.
I'm so afraid.
I'm so afraid of him. Afraid of everything.

Any sort of attraction is now replaced with a fear.
A fear that I cannot describe.

I woke up from my night terrors like this.

I can't . I'm so shocked.

Why are these night terrors not stopping.

I'm so afraid..

Help.

I need a hug really badly.

Let me know this ends.

Let me know that I'm not alone.

I'm so alone.. so afraid ..

I can't deal with this much longer

I'm losing it.

Help.

Trying so hard. Every single damn day.

I'm sorry my dearest readers for posting such sad stuff lately.
But I'll try my very best to get over this period. I'll be fine (:
I have 3 more days to get over it if I wanna start 2014 with a big GENUINE smile.
But it's so hard. I really .. I can't

OKAY . Disclaimer . This post is gonna be about
a lot of struggles , so if you wanna label me as 'attention seeking'
or whatever , I suggest you stop here.
I'll go back to posting happy stuff soon, and you can come back then (:
Or alternatively, post your hate HERE
That should keep you busy (:



Okay so if you're reading this means you decided to read on
It's just gonna be me complaining and hating myself and just to let loose.
Of what I go through every day , and every night .

Well.
All I can say is that I've really tried .
I really did. And I still am .
Watching movies, reading just to distract myself.
then just when I think I've got through the day,
at about 12/1/2/3/4/5/6 am . Sometimes earlier,
I start thinking coz I have nothing else to do.
Or sometimes even in the midst of a movie, I start thinking. What the heck right.

Then I'll start crying. then just when I start tearing up, I tell myself that I musn't cry.
But ends up I start wailing and crying till the point where like, I start breathing like some asthmatic person and it's so hard to breathe, to even open my eyes, my chest feels tight, I can't make any other noises then some puppy dog whimpy noise.

Then someone will always tell me ' Cry it all out, then never think about it again '
At that point of time, I REALLY truly believe that I'll be able to not think about it anymore.
So I just nod and cry.

But then the cycle continues pretty much every night or every other night.

Then one day I was really convinced I was gonna be fine,
Even had a really reassuring dream.

Then.. the night terrors came.
I dream that he tries to kill me.
Be it stabbing, drowning me, suffocating me, strangling me .
Torturing me. Slapping me, yelling hurtful words.

In real life, I scream I kick I cry.
So much so that my parents have to come in and wake me up.
then when I cry myself back to sleep, the dreams come again,
Some days I don't scream, somedays I just cry and kick .
It's so terrible.. I can't even.

And this morning I woke up with a long scarlet line along my arm, it was bleeding.
I was in such fear I scratched myself..


I really just want the pain to end. I can't bear it for much longer
People say that sleep helps you forget for a few hours..
But I'm so afraid to fall asleep now.
I'm so afraid eventually I'll die in my dream
If I die in my dream do I still live in real life?
I don't know.

I need a hug so much. From anyone.
Just a long warm hug.
Please.
Let me know the pain will end.
Coz I don't know how much longer I can deal with it.

Someone Else.

I don't understand. Why is it when I can't get something, I would want it more than ever.

I was unsure all the way. But why am I sure now?

One more thing. Why do I always push people away?

Honestly. I may seem to be pushing them away, but..

deep down I'm screaming. Telling them to hold me close and never let me go. 

I don't know. 

But I wanna start 2014 with a big GENUINE smile on my face. 

So Val, you have 8 days to get over it.

And you will (: . 

Itoldmyselftobestrong. Ireallytried. 

SomeonestopthesetearscozIcant 

Can't believe ICE camp is coming to an end. I really like my group but honestly speaking some of the guys are straight up immature and selfish. Okay lo. Maybe it's my fault for getting pissed at them. But cmon.  They were shouting and waking people up at 530 . And the previous two nights I had less than 6 hours of sleep IN TOTAL.

Like seriously who WOULDN'T be upset. Call me petty or whatever. But less than 10 hours of sleep in 3 nights is utter shit. Straight up shit.

Okay here's just me ranting. I shall shut up now and get back to camp and pretend to be all smiley when actually I'm emotionally and mentally and physically VERY VERY tired.

GOODNIGHT!!