Trying so hard. Every single damn day.

I'm sorry my dearest readers for posting such sad stuff lately.
But I'll try my very best to get over this period. I'll be fine (:
I have 3 more days to get over it if I wanna start 2014 with a big GENUINE smile.
But it's so hard. I really .. I can't

OKAY . Disclaimer . This post is gonna be about
a lot of struggles , so if you wanna label me as 'attention seeking'
or whatever , I suggest you stop here.
I'll go back to posting happy stuff soon, and you can come back then (:
Or alternatively, post your hate HERE
That should keep you busy (:



Okay so if you're reading this means you decided to read on
It's just gonna be me complaining and hating myself and just to let loose.
Of what I go through every day , and every night .

Well.
All I can say is that I've really tried .
I really did. And I still am .
Watching movies, reading just to distract myself.
then just when I think I've got through the day,
at about 12/1/2/3/4/5/6 am . Sometimes earlier,
I start thinking coz I have nothing else to do.
Or sometimes even in the midst of a movie, I start thinking. What the heck right.

Then I'll start crying. then just when I start tearing up, I tell myself that I musn't cry.
But ends up I start wailing and crying till the point where like, I start breathing like some asthmatic person and it's so hard to breathe, to even open my eyes, my chest feels tight, I can't make any other noises then some puppy dog whimpy noise.

Then someone will always tell me ' Cry it all out, then never think about it again '
At that point of time, I REALLY truly believe that I'll be able to not think about it anymore.
So I just nod and cry.

But then the cycle continues pretty much every night or every other night.

Then one day I was really convinced I was gonna be fine,
Even had a really reassuring dream.

Then.. the night terrors came.
I dream that he tries to kill me.
Be it stabbing, drowning me, suffocating me, strangling me .
Torturing me. Slapping me, yelling hurtful words.

In real life, I scream I kick I cry.
So much so that my parents have to come in and wake me up.
then when I cry myself back to sleep, the dreams come again,
Some days I don't scream, somedays I just cry and kick .
It's so terrible.. I can't even.

And this morning I woke up with a long scarlet line along my arm, it was bleeding.
I was in such fear I scratched myself..


I really just want the pain to end. I can't bear it for much longer
People say that sleep helps you forget for a few hours..
But I'm so afraid to fall asleep now.
I'm so afraid eventually I'll die in my dream
If I die in my dream do I still live in real life?
I don't know.

I need a hug so much. From anyone.
Just a long warm hug.
Please.
Let me know the pain will end.
Coz I don't know how much longer I can deal with it.