Defeated.

I know I know,
I haven't blogged in a while.
I will be back to blogging soon,
I've been storing up pictures and all that.
Happy moments. I promise.

But for today, I just really have to express myself
through very simple words in my blog.
Because well, I ain't no poet.

Someone once told me in a letter,
"You can never taste victory before you taste defeat"
I've constantly held onto that quote.
Hoping someday.
That all this struggling would be worth it.

So far, honestly, it isn't.
I've been through ups and downs.
In and out of depression,
But now I'm in this place where
I'm just hovering.
It's not depression,
but I have the thought of killing myself.
At least once every day.
I'm probably just not there yet.
And I hope I never have to go there again.

Being alone this entire time,
just fighting everything.
Trying to be the best that I can.
I'm exhausted.
I'm tired.
I'm defeated.

But I guess that's how life is.
I just wish,
that maybe.
Somehow life would get better.
But it just seems to get worse.
And worse.
And worse.

The people I trust, have changed so much
The people that I thought had my back, walked away

I'm sorry this is such a sad post.
But I'm really demoralised at the moment
And honestly all I want is a hug.
And for someone to tell me that I mean something.
Anything.
To tell me not to give up
and to keep fighting.

Because honestly,
I've resigned to the fact that.
Maybe I'm just never meant to be victorious.

On the plus side, I managed to be convinced to join a singing competition.
I don't even expect to get past to the semi-finals.
All I want is just to perform once,
and to gain confidence.
And then my life would be complete.
Then maybe I'd die without any regrets.
And finally leave everyone alone.