Screwed

Was really looking forward to dance today.

Dance really makes things so much better 

But no, got given last minute work again. Literally at the last minute.

Had to skip class. 

No dance, 

Cigarettes in the desk drawer, 

A broken heart,

Tonight is going to be the most painful thing ever. 

On the plus side 

I've been spending loads of time with a cat I named Scrappy.
Every day I just sit there and talk to him. Yes I talk to a cat.
Till 11pm comes and I have to drag myself back home.. And the worst part of the day passes slowly 

And I probably will keep spending time with him.

He just sits on my lap and purrs while I bawl my eyes out. 

So yay. More time to spend with Scrappy today.

Sometimes I'd wish that he'd appear and we'd take of Scrappy together like we used to.
Sometimes I'd wish he'd appear to wipe the tears away and tell me it'll be okay.
But reality hits, he's gone.
'Us', 'we', 'our' 'together',
All gone.
Get that in your head and more importantly, in your heart Val.

Help.
Before I'm gone as well.

Once upon a time

10:13am.

I pretty much got zero sleep last night.
I'm so so tired.

I remember once he was like that.
I don't know if it's fair to judge like that,
but he deleted everything and threw it all away so easily.
I guess maybe he didn't love me as much I thought he did.

Period cramps are a bitch. But they distract me from the emotional pain that I can't seem to rid of.

Sigh.

Help me.

I can feel myself slowly falling back into depression but I can't seem to stop falling.
It's getting harder and harder to breathe
It's getting tougher and tougher to resist the urge of breaking out the blades.

This is an open cry. Before the demons take over me and all I can think about are ways to leave this place. Before I lose my sanity. Or anything else.


Help me.
Someone.
Anyone.

Another day to go.

Hi,

It's currently 9:54am and I have no idea why I am typing this.
But I guess this page is going to be a little bit more active.
It's just going to be somewhere that I will vent.
And hopefully next time when I feel down,
I'll read back on all these posts and see how far I've come,
how strong I've grown.

It's getting so difficult to smile.
Don't get me wrong - I smile all the time. I smile to myself when I hear a nice song come on.
I smile when I see an animal do something stupid.
But the instance that bubble bursts,
and I realise that I am not in some wonderland with dancing unicorns and blasting music,
I can't smile.
"Are you okay?"
'Yeah. I'll be fine'.
I can't even force out a fake smile.

I just want to hug the person and cry, and cry.
and cry.

Currently relying on meds to sleep once more.
Otherwise I'd be crying through the nights.
And well, that sucks.

Thankful for the things that I still find comfort in.
Otherwise I have no idea how I would still be staying strong, staying alive.

I feel like I'm in quicksand,
and just waiting for it to consume me.

I'll then hide in the darkness, forever.

Hello from the other side

So after many many months,

HI. 

I know, it's been so long. And honestly,

I only feel the need to type something here whenever I'm upset.

It's just my way of expressing stuff. Forgive me.

So... Here's something I'm experiencing for the very first time.
The pain of a break up.

You guys probably already know. But I was in a relationship for 7 months.
Before the brutal ending that has left me curling up into a fetal position and crying myself to sleep every night.

I was happy.
I was so happy.

For once in my life I knew that I had someone else who was there for me,
someone who would hug me tight even when my eyes were puffy, my nose was red and snot was flying everywhere.

I knew that I had someone that would look out for me. 

I knew that I had a reason to stay alive and happy.

Well, I guess even the best thing in my life had to be taken away from me.

Everything comes to an end.

It feels as though the remains of my heart has been ripped out of my chest, used as five stones, ran over by the stampede in Lion King, and burnt to a crisp. Just waiting for the cold howling wind to blow it away, where it'll disappear forever, never to be found again.

Hello to the familiar dark depressing feeling of being completely alone and the familiar pangs of heartbreak.

Honestly, I've been telling everyone that I'll be okay.
But the truth is that I'm just saying that so that I'll hopefully eventually believe that I'll actually be okay.
But I'm not.

Reality check.
I'm burying myself in tons and tons of work.
My lunch breaks have gone from 2 hours to 15 minutes.
I chomp down my food and rush to sit in front of the laptop again, 

leaving my mind no time to wander off into the deep dark place where depression looms.

I fear the night.
I fear the time where I am forced to lie in my bed, stomach feeling like its a giant dead knot, tears rolling down my cheeks quickly, as if they were racing one another.

My only sources of comfort?
- Typing this out

- The never ending amount of work I bury myself in

- The momentary relief that cigarettes bring

- The pockets of sleep I get before I wake up crying.

I'm not okay. 

Do I wish that the break up never happened? Yes.
Do I wish that we'd try to fight for the relationship? Yes.

Do I wish that I still had the only person I've ever fully trusted on this planet? Yes. A thousand times yes.

But wishes don't come true.