Hello from the other side

So after many many months,

HI. 

I know, it's been so long. And honestly,

I only feel the need to type something here whenever I'm upset.

It's just my way of expressing stuff. Forgive me.

So... Here's something I'm experiencing for the very first time.
The pain of a break up.

You guys probably already know. But I was in a relationship for 7 months.
Before the brutal ending that has left me curling up into a fetal position and crying myself to sleep every night.

I was happy.
I was so happy.

For once in my life I knew that I had someone else who was there for me,
someone who would hug me tight even when my eyes were puffy, my nose was red and snot was flying everywhere.

I knew that I had someone that would look out for me. 

I knew that I had a reason to stay alive and happy.

Well, I guess even the best thing in my life had to be taken away from me.

Everything comes to an end.

It feels as though the remains of my heart has been ripped out of my chest, used as five stones, ran over by the stampede in Lion King, and burnt to a crisp. Just waiting for the cold howling wind to blow it away, where it'll disappear forever, never to be found again.

Hello to the familiar dark depressing feeling of being completely alone and the familiar pangs of heartbreak.

Honestly, I've been telling everyone that I'll be okay.
But the truth is that I'm just saying that so that I'll hopefully eventually believe that I'll actually be okay.
But I'm not.

Reality check.
I'm burying myself in tons and tons of work.
My lunch breaks have gone from 2 hours to 15 minutes.
I chomp down my food and rush to sit in front of the laptop again, 

leaving my mind no time to wander off into the deep dark place where depression looms.

I fear the night.
I fear the time where I am forced to lie in my bed, stomach feeling like its a giant dead knot, tears rolling down my cheeks quickly, as if they were racing one another.

My only sources of comfort?
- Typing this out

- The never ending amount of work I bury myself in

- The momentary relief that cigarettes bring

- The pockets of sleep I get before I wake up crying.

I'm not okay. 

Do I wish that the break up never happened? Yes.
Do I wish that we'd try to fight for the relationship? Yes.

Do I wish that I still had the only person I've ever fully trusted on this planet? Yes. A thousand times yes.

But wishes don't come true.