Sign around my neck

Hi.

I'm back, which means there isn't good news.
Hahaha.

I'm sorry I really just need somewhere to just vent all my emotions.
Because crying and screaming into my pillow hasn't been helping all that much.

Simple question here.
Do I have a sign around my neck that says
Please hurt me, and then hurt me some more?

Because that is really how it feels right now.
I've been coping the past few days.
This heartbreak is... pretty bad.
I've been to dance class every day from Tuesday to Saturday.
And I ran today. Just to distract myself.
[and also to prepare for auditions yay]

My body is exhausted.
I can't even hold a lunge anymore because it's so damn painful.

But so far it's been helping me to cope.
Somehow.

Then, comes the bomb.
Boom. a picture on Instagram.
I don't know how to react to it.
And the sad thing is.
I didn't think.
I just saw the picture.
And in that very moment,
It just felt like all the little pieces of my heart that I've been glueing back together slowly,
got stomped on. Once again.

I feel like from a distance,
someone used a sniper, threw a spear, threw a grenade or somehow just managed to shoot a blowdart.
And killed whatever little hope there is left in me.

I know. Don't think too much right?
Everyone has been telling me that.
But.
Don't I have a right to be sensitive about this?
The wound is fairly new.
And FFS there are people commenting on the photo.
It's not even me who's thinking about it
Because I didn't think that much.
I just saw the picture and I broke down.

He posted the picture,
read the comments,
knew deep down somehow that I would be affected.
Yet was okay with it.

He once promised he'd never hurt me intentionally.
I guess 'never' only lasted while we did.

I really don't know what to do.
I felt like I'm in this battle all alone.
Against him and his friends who trash talk me,
against my demons inside who are slowly winning.

I'm really thankful for the people who have stood by me.
Who have stopped me from doing stupid things.
Who have made time for me.
I'm not as alone as I think I am.

But that doesn't mean I'm going to win.

Growing up.

Hello internet.

I know I know according to my previous posts,
I'm supposed to be dead or dying or lying in a pool of my tears somewhere.
But I'm not. Whether you think that's a good thing or not is for you to decide.
SO.

Quite a bit has happened over the past... few months.
But today I just wanted to write about something - growing up.

When we were 6, we couldn't wait to turn 13.
We couldn't wait to be called a teenager.
When we were 13, we couldn't wait to turn 16.
Because in the western world, 16 is a celebrated age.
When we were 16, we couldn't wait to turn 18.
M18 movies, driving licenses, actually being taken seriously.

I'm turning 20 this year. I know it isn't much.
But even at this point of time, I don't want to age anymore.
And here's why.

I'm graduating from poly this year.
And when you're graduating from tertiary education,
you actually have to make decisions that matter.

There are so so so many questions that people will ask you, and you will ask yourself.
And sometimes, you just don't have an answer for these questions.

Are you going to uni?
Which uni do you want to go to?
What are you going to study?

Uni is EXPENSIVE,
honestly getting a diploma isn't much.
Up till this point, you can still afford to switch your 'profession', your field of study.
I'm not saying you can't once you get your degree,
but it means that you'll have to start from ground 0 [or 1, depending on how different your new field is] from like, level 4
And like I've already mentioned - uni is EXPENSIVE.

The truth is, I DON'T KNOW what I want to study.
Currently I'm just shrugging and answering 'I guess I'll study media'
But that's just to get them off my back.
Imagine if I said 'I wanna study engineering'
The next question would be 'THEN Y U TAKE DIPLOMA IN MEDIA'
*Just an example, I don't actually want to do engineering.

But for me, I've already decided that I'm not going to jump straight into uni until I know what I really want to study. I don't have that kind of money to go to uni twice or more if I decide to switch field.

Moving on

I have two options -
Continue as an account executive in the advertising industry, or pursue my passion of performing.

For most people, the answer is simple
"PURSUE YOUR PASSION LAH, YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TIME TO DO IT IN THE FUTURE"

This is the problem.

I have 2 offers as an account executive.
The pay is pretty decent, and it can DEFINITELY help when I finally decide to go to university.

I have 0 offers as a performer.
There are 2 auditions up and coming, but who knows if I will pass them?
I mean, I'm definitely not the best dancer around.
I'm learning still, but I'm probably competing with people who are really good already.
To make matters worse,
I actually have to push back my flight to Bangkok for my grad trip and pay extra because of the flight switch.
My trip gets cut short, I have lesser money to spend.
Just so that I can make it for one of the auditions.
And I can't help but wonder
WHAT IF I DON'T GET IN?
I would totally regret pushing my flight back...

I really want to go ahead and pursue my passion.
But there's so much sacrifice and buts and ifs involved.
It's such a scary thing.

I'm currently really lost on what I want to do, on what I should do.
So if you're reading this,
Do let me know your opinion.
Text me, comment, put it on my ask.fm anonymously.
It really would help.

Till next time that I have something to get off my chest
Bunz x

Screwed

Was really looking forward to dance today.

Dance really makes things so much better 

But no, got given last minute work again. Literally at the last minute.

Had to skip class. 

No dance, 

Cigarettes in the desk drawer, 

A broken heart,

Tonight is going to be the most painful thing ever. 

On the plus side 

I've been spending loads of time with a cat I named Scrappy.
Every day I just sit there and talk to him. Yes I talk to a cat.
Till 11pm comes and I have to drag myself back home.. And the worst part of the day passes slowly 

And I probably will keep spending time with him.

He just sits on my lap and purrs while I bawl my eyes out. 

So yay. More time to spend with Scrappy today.

Sometimes I'd wish that he'd appear and we'd take of Scrappy together like we used to.
Sometimes I'd wish he'd appear to wipe the tears away and tell me it'll be okay.
But reality hits, he's gone.
'Us', 'we', 'our' 'together',
All gone.
Get that in your head and more importantly, in your heart Val.

Help.
Before I'm gone as well.

Once upon a time

10:13am.

I pretty much got zero sleep last night.
I'm so so tired.

I remember once he was like that.
I don't know if it's fair to judge like that,
but he deleted everything and threw it all away so easily.
I guess maybe he didn't love me as much I thought he did.

Period cramps are a bitch. But they distract me from the emotional pain that I can't seem to rid of.

Sigh.

Help me.

I can feel myself slowly falling back into depression but I can't seem to stop falling.
It's getting harder and harder to breathe
It's getting tougher and tougher to resist the urge of breaking out the blades.

This is an open cry. Before the demons take over me and all I can think about are ways to leave this place. Before I lose my sanity. Or anything else.


Help me.
Someone.
Anyone.

Another day to go.

Hi,

It's currently 9:54am and I have no idea why I am typing this.
But I guess this page is going to be a little bit more active.
It's just going to be somewhere that I will vent.
And hopefully next time when I feel down,
I'll read back on all these posts and see how far I've come,
how strong I've grown.

It's getting so difficult to smile.
Don't get me wrong - I smile all the time. I smile to myself when I hear a nice song come on.
I smile when I see an animal do something stupid.
But the instance that bubble bursts,
and I realise that I am not in some wonderland with dancing unicorns and blasting music,
I can't smile.
"Are you okay?"
'Yeah. I'll be fine'.
I can't even force out a fake smile.

I just want to hug the person and cry, and cry.
and cry.

Currently relying on meds to sleep once more.
Otherwise I'd be crying through the nights.
And well, that sucks.

Thankful for the things that I still find comfort in.
Otherwise I have no idea how I would still be staying strong, staying alive.

I feel like I'm in quicksand,
and just waiting for it to consume me.

I'll then hide in the darkness, forever.

Hello from the other side

So after many many months,

HI. 

I know, it's been so long. And honestly,

I only feel the need to type something here whenever I'm upset.

It's just my way of expressing stuff. Forgive me.

So... Here's something I'm experiencing for the very first time.
The pain of a break up.

You guys probably already know. But I was in a relationship for 7 months.
Before the brutal ending that has left me curling up into a fetal position and crying myself to sleep every night.

I was happy.
I was so happy.

For once in my life I knew that I had someone else who was there for me,
someone who would hug me tight even when my eyes were puffy, my nose was red and snot was flying everywhere.

I knew that I had someone that would look out for me. 

I knew that I had a reason to stay alive and happy.

Well, I guess even the best thing in my life had to be taken away from me.

Everything comes to an end.

It feels as though the remains of my heart has been ripped out of my chest, used as five stones, ran over by the stampede in Lion King, and burnt to a crisp. Just waiting for the cold howling wind to blow it away, where it'll disappear forever, never to be found again.

Hello to the familiar dark depressing feeling of being completely alone and the familiar pangs of heartbreak.

Honestly, I've been telling everyone that I'll be okay.
But the truth is that I'm just saying that so that I'll hopefully eventually believe that I'll actually be okay.
But I'm not.

Reality check.
I'm burying myself in tons and tons of work.
My lunch breaks have gone from 2 hours to 15 minutes.
I chomp down my food and rush to sit in front of the laptop again, 

leaving my mind no time to wander off into the deep dark place where depression looms.

I fear the night.
I fear the time where I am forced to lie in my bed, stomach feeling like its a giant dead knot, tears rolling down my cheeks quickly, as if they were racing one another.

My only sources of comfort?
- Typing this out

- The never ending amount of work I bury myself in

- The momentary relief that cigarettes bring

- The pockets of sleep I get before I wake up crying.

I'm not okay. 

Do I wish that the break up never happened? Yes.
Do I wish that we'd try to fight for the relationship? Yes.

Do I wish that I still had the only person I've ever fully trusted on this planet? Yes. A thousand times yes.

But wishes don't come true.