Help.

I want to tell myself to put the blade down.
But I can't.

I'd take any kind of physical pain in exchange of the removal of all my feelings.

Dysphoria

This is another not very happy post.
So any hate, goes here











I don't know what to do anymore.
I'm so afraid.
I'm so afraid of him. Afraid of everything.

Any sort of attraction is now replaced with a fear.
A fear that I cannot describe.

I woke up from my night terrors like this.

I can't . I'm so shocked.

Why are these night terrors not stopping.

I'm so afraid..

Help.

I need a hug really badly.

Let me know this ends.

Let me know that I'm not alone.

I'm so alone.. so afraid ..

I can't deal with this much longer

I'm losing it.

Help.

Trying so hard. Every single damn day.

I'm sorry my dearest readers for posting such sad stuff lately.
But I'll try my very best to get over this period. I'll be fine (:
I have 3 more days to get over it if I wanna start 2014 with a big GENUINE smile.
But it's so hard. I really .. I can't

OKAY . Disclaimer . This post is gonna be about
a lot of struggles , so if you wanna label me as 'attention seeking'
or whatever , I suggest you stop here.
I'll go back to posting happy stuff soon, and you can come back then (:
Or alternatively, post your hate HERE
That should keep you busy (:



Okay so if you're reading this means you decided to read on
It's just gonna be me complaining and hating myself and just to let loose.
Of what I go through every day , and every night .

Well.
All I can say is that I've really tried .
I really did. And I still am .
Watching movies, reading just to distract myself.
then just when I think I've got through the day,
at about 12/1/2/3/4/5/6 am . Sometimes earlier,
I start thinking coz I have nothing else to do.
Or sometimes even in the midst of a movie, I start thinking. What the heck right.

Then I'll start crying. then just when I start tearing up, I tell myself that I musn't cry.
But ends up I start wailing and crying till the point where like, I start breathing like some asthmatic person and it's so hard to breathe, to even open my eyes, my chest feels tight, I can't make any other noises then some puppy dog whimpy noise.

Then someone will always tell me ' Cry it all out, then never think about it again '
At that point of time, I REALLY truly believe that I'll be able to not think about it anymore.
So I just nod and cry.

But then the cycle continues pretty much every night or every other night.

Then one day I was really convinced I was gonna be fine,
Even had a really reassuring dream.

Then.. the night terrors came.
I dream that he tries to kill me.
Be it stabbing, drowning me, suffocating me, strangling me .
Torturing me. Slapping me, yelling hurtful words.

In real life, I scream I kick I cry.
So much so that my parents have to come in and wake me up.
then when I cry myself back to sleep, the dreams come again,
Some days I don't scream, somedays I just cry and kick .
It's so terrible.. I can't even.

And this morning I woke up with a long scarlet line along my arm, it was bleeding.
I was in such fear I scratched myself..


I really just want the pain to end. I can't bear it for much longer
People say that sleep helps you forget for a few hours..
But I'm so afraid to fall asleep now.
I'm so afraid eventually I'll die in my dream
If I die in my dream do I still live in real life?
I don't know.

I need a hug so much. From anyone.
Just a long warm hug.
Please.
Let me know the pain will end.
Coz I don't know how much longer I can deal with it.

Someone Else.

I don't understand. Why is it when I can't get something, I would want it more than ever.

I was unsure all the way. But why am I sure now?

One more thing. Why do I always push people away?

Honestly. I may seem to be pushing them away, but..

deep down I'm screaming. Telling them to hold me close and never let me go. 

I don't know. 

But I wanna start 2014 with a big GENUINE smile on my face. 

So Val, you have 8 days to get over it.

And you will (: . 

Itoldmyselftobestrong. Ireallytried. 

SomeonestopthesetearscozIcant 

Can't believe ICE camp is coming to an end. I really like my group but honestly speaking some of the guys are straight up immature and selfish. Okay lo. Maybe it's my fault for getting pissed at them. But cmon.  They were shouting and waking people up at 530 . And the previous two nights I had less than 6 hours of sleep IN TOTAL.

Like seriously who WOULDN'T be upset. Call me petty or whatever. But less than 10 hours of sleep in 3 nights is utter shit. Straight up shit.

Okay here's just me ranting. I shall shut up now and get back to camp and pretend to be all smiley when actually I'm emotionally and mentally and physically VERY VERY tired.

GOODNIGHT!!

Smiles.

You have no idea how happy I am now.
I feel as if there's not anything in the world that can weigh me down.
I want to be this happy for as long as possible.
I want to make others this happy.
I want to be a blessing.

Change takes time,
Hard times will come.
But once you're through it,
You'll look back and smile.
And be thankful it happened.

Thank you to everyone who stood by me.
I'm actually crying now because I'm just so...
happy. That's the only word I can use to describe it.
It's so cheesy . But I really am
And this time, for once after a reallllllly long time,
I really mean it when I say I'm happy.

THANK YOU FOR READING THIS AND STICKING BY ME
I LOVE YOU.


Till next time coz I'm off to ballet dance around my room,
Bunny x

Change.

Okay, so I'm typing this in the middle of VPDP lesson.
Mr Kan actually brought me to the side and asked me why am I so different this semester as compared to the previous semester.

Come to think of it, yeah. I'm so cold and so sad now.
School is such a drag now, I used to enjoy it [somewhat]
But now, even VPDP .. I have to drag myself out of bed to go.
My only motivation to go to school is SPSU.
Maybe it's time that I stop feeling so sorry for myself
Because I know I've done a lot of nonsense in the past 2-3 months
And I'm done with that. I really am.

So here's me declaring to the everyone who reads my blog [ which is like 1 or 2 of you HAHHAA]
that I'm gonna get back on my feet.
And I'll be the happy Val again.
Imma make new[old] friendships AGAIN
And find the joy in everything I do.
There's no point being so sad.

I know that God doesn't want to see me like that.
And this is a phase I'm going through
And I'm going to get through it.

I WILL GET THROUGH THIS. 

And every single person who reads this can hold me accountable
and make sure that by next week, I will be the girl you knew again .

And if I'm not, you can scream at me all you want.
Really.


Okay, here's hoping for the best.

Thankew for reading this self-motivating post
I don't know why I'm even typing this for everyone to see, but I just
wanted to pen everything somewhere, where else better than my blog.
That not many people actually read. HAHAHAHAHAH

Okay, BYEEE

Bunny x



what doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Clara C. X Jason Chen in Singapore!

OKAY YES I'VE NOT POSTED IN A REALLLLY LONG WHILE
I really apologize D: .
Forgive me please, my dear readers. Anyways.
I'm gonna talk about Clara C and Jason Chen in Singapore!
Yes I went for the concert
MY FIRST CONCERT EVER OH YEAH

LOOK HOW HAPPY I AM. VIP TIX KAY. WOOTS

Yeah I gave this to Clara C. 

THICK SKINNED MUCH . HEHEHE

And here's my concert buddy! Vanny! :D 

Yeah so we met Steph and Jannell outside Zouk

And ends up? Stephanie and Jannell both know Chloe Chen!

Hahahaha what a coincidence (: 

Oh yeah.. JNation is kinda bad at organizing stuff

They were like 1.5 - 2 hours late D: 

Then they made Jason Chen rush and I think he skipped a few songs 

Coz he had to be on the Sheng Shiong Show D: 

Double boo . 

So the concert started off with this little girl 

who is an AWESOME PIANIST. I REALLY. I CANT. 

I .. AH . D: 

Then after that was this dude from some band in Malaysia I think?

YAY MALAYSIA PRIDE

But tbh he's .. meh :/ 

Then there was this dance performance. I forgot the group name

But they dance AMAZINGLY.

Man I miss dancing D: 

HAHAHAHAH okay then this is Vanny's friend's older brother

He was really good. [two paws up ] 

AND TADAH THIS IS CLARA C OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG

IM DYING HERE . HAHAHAHA 

ENJOY THE PICS IN PRETTY PINK LIGHT. WAHAHHA

Yes we were JUST beside the stage.

At one point she took the mic off the stand and pointed it to us

Coz we were singing along .OMG <3 

Ah Clara I love you to bits. 

Sooo . One of the most awesome parts of the concert. 

SHE SAID MY NAME, VAN'S NAME, STEPH'S NAME AND JANNELL'S NAME

AND SAID WE WERE HER FAVOURITES

I CAN'T . OMG ... AHHH <3 

CLARA IS SO SWEET I CANNOT ASDFGHJKL

So next was Jason Chen. 

The reason why there are so many hands in front

is coz when it was Jason Chen's turn, we let the girls behind us

who were bigass Jason Chen fans, to stand in front of us

Just beside the stage.

So nice of us right. Teehee

But the bad part was that we were directly beside the speakers then

And I couldn't hear out of my left ear properly for the next like, 4-5 hours D: 

Okay I have to admit he looks really cute. heheh

And he's kinda short. You'll see later :P 

He sang Best Friend . OMG <3 I can't 

Oh yeah he sang a chinese song too!

DOUBLE OMGOMGOMGOMGOMGOMG <3 

And ... WALAH 

A picture I'll keep for as long as I can. My very first picture

with a singer . In my very first concert <3 

I LOVE CLARA C TO BITS . 

I asked if I could have a hug after we took the picture

Then she was like ' AWW OF COURSE' 

Then she hugged me <3 <3 <3 

Yeah so that about concludes the post

Yes I know I haven't been posting much.

Been really busy with school . Guess poly students have their own fair share of stress too D: 

I'll post again really soon I promise <3 

And here's your blog postly dose of my retarded face :D 

Oh yes. I have blue hair now. Its slowly fading to green tho. HEH 

BAIIIII

Thankew for reading!

Bunny x 

Joy.

HELLOO!

Quick update coz I've been insanely busy and lazy to update my blog :P 

So life's been pretty good. 

I just feel as if DMC 05 is getting closer and closer.

Like now I feel that I'm closer to 

Gloria, Summer, Sarah and Azra. 

Even my relationship with Esther is a lot better :D

And I started talking to Renae like we used to

YAY YAY YAY :D

Been rushing out CAs like crazy though ): 

That VC is seriously a burden.

Honestly, when your students ask you a question

you do not simply ask them to REFER TO A DAMN PIECE OF PAPER.

If not they wouldn't bother clarifying with you right ==

Piece of lil shit. 

Oh well D:

Shall blog about today.

Then imma head to sleep .

So today I met the rest at 845ish 

for PC ... blah blah

Then we had gened...

Then we had lunch at Coco Ichibanya

Omg the food there is..

GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOD to the power of infinity man.

I wish I could post a picture but it's on my phone .. so boo D:

This will be a wordy post D: 

Sorry. D: 

Okay so after lunch we had IMCA ..

Some seniors came in to talk about their Bangkok trip 

and whatnot.

Bleh :P 

Okay so after that I had Jap class

And I admit I fell asleep for like half an hour during the lesson

I couldn't take it. 

Needed that power nap XD 

Okay so after that I went for dinner with

Shasti, WeiZhang , Lynnette and Ahneh :D 

It was a pretty nice dinner...

Idk why but there wasn't like THAT much talking

and laughter like there usually would be.

I guess everyone's tired plus full of monday blues :P 

Okay I'm actually insanely tired. So imma stop here .

If you're ever insanely bored, click here to ask me nonsense

And and and you guys HAVE to go listen to the coca cola thing

that Kurt Hugo Schneider did. Omg I swear its amazing 

http://www.ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.com

Listen to it from the link I pasted above

But it kinda makes you wanna drink coke after that XD HEHEHHE

Okay my cover will be recorded and uploaded after ShengXiong learns the chords

I promise! :P 

Okay so BYEEEEE 

A retarded pic taken of me taking a snapchat during VPDP

And of course, my retarded faces to end off the post <3 

Gonna dye my hair again soon. Eggcited 

Okay bye! :D 

Thanks for reading ! <3

Much love,

Bunny x

Church Camp 2013

So I've been delaying this post coz I've been really busy. But FIRST.

FAQ : (Ask here! )

Smile!
Ans : Hahaha thankew <3 I will :D

So you've got a new crush?
Ans : Eh nop (: . Not yet. HAHAHAH!

COVER?
Ans: YES YES COVER. I DON'T KNOW IF IT'LL HAPPEN D: I hope it does

Okay. So imma post about camp.
We went to church early in the morning. Like 7:15?
Godpa sent me and bro there :D So sweet of him.
Then we boarded the bus, and I sat with Xinyi :D
4 hour bus ride :l
So ofcourse, here's a picture of me being bored on the bus .

So upon reaching the hotel, I was super duper excited. Coz I haven't been to 

church camp since I was like, a primary school kid. So here's what the building looks like from the bottom. 

So since we couldn't go into our rooms because of some issues with the hotel not being ready and stuff,

we had like 2 hours to finish our lunch and slack. 

Oh yeah. I forgot to take pictures of the food at the hotel D: 

I'm sorry D:

So after eating, XinYi and I went to slack by the pool . 

So cute. It's like MBS. But of course, nothing beats the infinity pool.

So here's me and my fat arm relaxing in the sun.

Then after a while of "sun tanning" 

I decided to walk and sit by the pool 

DOESNT IT MAKE YOU WANNA JUST JUMP IN?!?!?!

So there's a gym right beside the pool. But I didn't bring my 

track shoes D: . So I couldn't gym.

Oh yes, FYI. I've never gone to the gym before in my life.

So ladeedah , time passed, and we had our icebreaker games and went 

into our groups. I super love my group. 

TEAM DAVID FTW <3 

So then we had a session. 

Then we got our rooms and stuff..

Dinner, another session and WALAH. 

The next day was

MEAL

SESSION

MEAL

GAMES

MEAL

SESSION

YOUGOSLEEPNOW

And day three, we started off with a session in the morning

Then we had free and easy time all the way till like, night time.

So we went shopping and stuff.

Then like 5+ we went for food at Jonker Street !

This is durian Chendol . And .. it tastes. AMAZEBALLS

(only if you like durian )

Then we went to try Chicken rice balls .

THEY LOOK LIKE FISHBALLS HAHAHAH 

These are balls of rice I promise. They aren't fishballs. 

DOES THIS LOOK YUMMY OR WHAT.

The meat was kinda tough tho.

Coz we ordered kampong chicken

instead of the regular one. teehee.

So then we went to the rest of Jonker Street

to buy souvenirs and stuff

THIS COST ME RM1 . HAHAHAH ITS KICKAPOO FLAVOURED

SO CUTE 

Then after that we went to this Crepe place. 

ARE YOU READY FOR THE PICTURES? 

YOUR MOUTH WILL WATER. 

I PROMISE

OH

SWEET

NUGGETS . 

 I SWEAR THOSE THINGS TASTE INSANELY YUMMY.
I bought the one in the middle of the second row. It's like some berry thing
IT WAS ... OMG I WISH I COULD DESCRIBE TO YOU.
The cheese and original one is pretty good too XD



So XinYi and I started this thing where we buy cup noodles and eat them for supper, along with a bottle of Vanilla coke, and we'd watch the movie playing on the Fox movie channel. Then after the movie ended, we'd watch this show that was shown on Channel 8 in Singapore a long time ago. YES. A singapore drama :O . The one with RuiEn and like, "Reality TV" or something like that.

So here's me in my Sports camp tee, which were my pjs for church camp.

Looking super unattractive. LMAO. ohwell

So day four , we had to check out after the morning session D: 

So here's the reception counter and stuff.

And here's my roomie, Xinyi!! :D 

I miss rooming with her and eating cup noodles and stuff.

One more thing, she's FOREVER hungry.

So we were on the bus , slowly making our way back to Singapore,

Then they stopped at this Jusco.

And allowed us to eat there. 

And guess what, I went to eat Mac. LMAO

It cost me like RM10, SG 4++

WHERE EXACTLY CAN THAT HAPPEN IN SINGAPORE.

SERIOUSLY.

One more thing, to whoever goes to Malaysia's Mac.

Try the Ayam Goreng McD ! 

The spicy one is.. UGH ITS SO GOOD. 

My mouth is watering as I type this. XD 

LOOK AT ALL THAT FAT. >:D 

So after that we shopped around and then we continued our trip 

back to Singapore! 

And here's another unattractive picture of me eating those..

Pea chips thingy. 

Am I the only one who enjoys that chip thingy?

It seems like no one likes the peas. 

WHYYYYY

I hate peas as in the veg. But in junk food form, 

THEY ARE LEGIT AWESOME OMGFSUIDFSAFSA

Okay so another 4 hours back to Singapore..

And here's a picture with Jinghui! So glad that he feels happy in BC :D 

Best buddies fo lyfe! 

Okay. So the speaker for this camp was pretty amazing

He taught a lot of things that are all kept in my notebook . 

And he impacted a lot of people, 

I would know coz I was running around with a camera

filming people like the idiot I am XD 

Okay so Imma end this blog now coz it's getting a little late.

And I have a 8am class tomorrow D:

Boohoo. 

But then again, it's VPDP so no complaints! 

LOOOOOVE VPDP . 

Alrighty, thankew for reading!

Much loves xx 

And not forgetting... 

My retarded face during the Fish spa. 

HAHAHAHAHA OKAY BYE 

Bliss.

Hi guys
YIPPEEEEE
HAHAHAHAHHA

So here's gonna be a long post describing my celebrations
and a lot of my thanks coz I am seriously forever grateful to these people.

So first was this celebration in school on the last day of Term 1 

I've written a post on that HERE

But nonetheless I'm really damn grateful and touched by the fact that they 

took the time and effort to write all these little post its for me. <3 

Second would be this. 

My "husband" Shijiao and I went back to Ping Yi to visit our juniors in dance

then on the way while walking to inter , she pulled out a plastic bag

containing whatever you see above and wished me

a happy advanced birthday.

As usual , I stood there and went 

'OH MY GOSH' 

Thankew my dear husband/candy for being there for me 

Thankew for taking the time and effort to write the card and 

buy the craftholic bunny. 

I really really can't thank you enough.

Here's to another 17 years and more of our friendship

Love ya loads ♥♥♥♥

Next would be this pretty grey romper

That I'm wearing to Malacca tomorrow :D 

Given by this tallbutnotsotall hunk and very pretty babe <3 

We were at Sentosa yesterday, at some tall tower

With a really pretty view and an awesome breeze.

[FUTUREBOYFRIEND/HUSBANDBETTERBRINGMETHERE]

HAHAHA Okay back to the 'story'

I was standing there enjoying the breeze and fiddling with my phone

And WALAH. 

This red box appeared and they sang Happy birthday

Guess what?

I stood there saying 'OH MY GOSH' 

AGAIN.

[face palm]

But I swear that I just wanted to cry fountains at that moment

They are so sweet lah. ♥♥♥

Thankew guys for taking the time off to plan this celebration

and to have that awesome outing at Sentosa yesterday

Y'all are the people who will accept me for who I am

and what I look like.

And will back me up whenever I'm down

Like, pray for me and stuff.

It really means a lot to me. 

You guys mean a lot to me ♥♥♥

And this is Andre's gift . 

So cute!! BUNNIES BUNNIES AND MORE BUNNIES ♥♥♥

And he took the effort to write on the envelope of the card

and especially the contents of the card.

When I read it I literally couldn't stop smiling.

And yeah I was crying coz that was at like 12am

and I was slowly opening the gifts and cards

So here's Andre. 

Thankew so much !! ♥♥♥♥♥

This... was this morning .

I went to union for a meeting then after that 

Mummy and Daddy sat me down and forced me to answer 10 questions

Each question right meant I got a scroll

And when I opened them.

These were the pictures I got.

It's like. Every member of Cavalcante's wishes

Screenshot-ed and printed out 

Confirm done by mummy♥♥♥♥

Love her to death man! 

You see that bunny over there? 

She drew it. WHATTHEHECKRIGHT?!

So here's mummy , daddy and then Cavalcante. 

Honestly speaking I really love this picture.

And here's Cavalcante ♥♥♥

So after leaving school, I went to catch 

'Now you see me' 

with Aravin, WeiZhang, HuiEn, Glendon, JiaJun,Shihui, ShaoWen and Marie

After the movie, Marie left

 we went to eat KFC and then 

HuiEn, JiaJun, Glendon left

So the rest of us went to lepak at some rooftop at JCube

I almost dozed off up there XD 

Then this came

And they sang happy birthday.

Then we ran around the whole rooftop

Trying to put cream on each other's faces. HAHHA

That stinking Ahneh Aravin acted like he totally didn't know it was my birthday

And I believed him, calling him dumb . HAHAHAHA OOPS 

Then here's the present from Shihui and Shaowen

They both knew I needed a shoebag. So yeah.

I really love it . The colour is so AWESOMEEE

Thankew so much Shihui and Shaowen 

Love y'all to the moon and back ♥♥♥

So end of the day, I really wanna thank each and every one of y'all

who 

1) Wished me

2) Celebrated my birthday for me

3) Is reading this blog post right now

Thankew for being the reason that I move on and stay strong

For letting me smile and feel genuinely happy and loved

No amount of words can describe how grateful I am

And how happy I am

And how blessed I am

Ah I'm gonna cry typing this. XD 

Yesyes I cry a lot . SORRY XD. 

And here's a picture of me crying while 

I was reading the messages from Cavalcante

Okay I shall end this post now with a really big giant

THANKYOU♥♥♥♥

From the bottom of my heart

And of course, 

My retarded faces. 

Thanks for reading !♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Muchloves,

Bunny x